Processing Life

Trying to sleep last night was like trying to escape the blob. This darkness was trying to consume my body and I was reaching for anything to help me escape. I wish this was a dream, but it was just a feeling as I lay awake contemplating all that is going on in my life right now.

Maybe the problem is that I thought that life would be fun, a love story, an adventure… Life is a war and instead of buckling up for it and fighting, enjoying the brief moments of joy before returning to the fight, I have stood stuck in the mud throwing a tantrum like a child because I didn’t know about the war, and I didn’t want it to be real.

I think of my children now and how I can prepare them, not let them fall to the same fate as me, and even now in my realization I so desperately want it to not be real that I can’t bring myself to tell them the truth. I don’t want it for them even more than I don’t want it for me.

War it is then. But wait, now that I realize I’m in a war I also realize that not only am I not prepared for it but that I’m in the med tent with missing limbs and bleeding. What good am I to anyone now? What good am I to the war? How am I going to help my children, my friends, my family? Missing limbs, wounds, and even death are just part of war. I suddenly feel like the child standing in the mud throwing a fit again.

With a new perspective of life as a war I am hearing the birds chirp outside and feel elated and a sense of peace at their song. Without this new perspective would I have even heard them? I’m momentarily excited, it’s like I have discovered the key to life; live at war. Now fear and sadness set it and my mind is grasping for concepts and other perspectives that also could be true so that this isn’t my reality. Maybe that’s just my ADHD kicking in for the day or maybe I have a lot to process and need to talk to God.